31 January, Olympic Hopefuls

For this week’s blog, we bring you excerpts of an exclusive interview by Sheri Damp, close associate of the famous CEO of Dessert Books, a publishing organization specializing in uplifting snacks for Latter-Day Saint readers for whom issues of the day weigh heavily on their souls, as well as their hips and thighs. In light of the release of a recent photo by renowned photographer, emergency medicine specialist and budding comedian, Ari Shaeffer, Ms. Damp flew to France to interview the famous Frodsham couple, Olympic Hopefuls for the 2024 Olympics in Paris, France. 

Catherine and Tim Frodsham are serving undercover as Missionaries for The Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Lyon France, teaching principles of Self-Reliance to leaders and members of the Church in France and surrounding countries. These former Olympic champions are planning an ambitions repertoire of events at the Paris games. Even before competition begins, the Frodshams will spearhead the ‘Opening Exercises’ ceremony to usher in the games. 

According to Ms. Damp, the Olympic Duo are heavy favorites for the gold as they head to the coast for their first competition ‘Preach Volleyball’. In a stunning display of stamina, they will simultaneously compete in the ‘Title of Liberty Flag Football’ scrimmages. Their chances here are perilous, but with the support of their 2000 stripling warrior fans, they are hopeful for the gold in this match as well. 

In day two of the games, the Frodshams will compete in the ‘Iron Rod’ competition. Their participation in this event sent shockwaves through the Olympic community, given Elder Frodsham’s dismal performance in last years ‘Idita-rod’ dog sled race where he choked on the final night of the run, staring at the stars and babbling ‘Pleiades, Pleiades’. According to Ms. Damp, ‘holding fast to the rod’ will be a winning strategy for this intrepid couple as they not only compete for the gold in this cornerstone event but vie to break the record in the ‘race to the tree’, set by Father Lehi, a record which has stood unchallenged for 2600 years. The Frodshams are undeterred in their quest for gold as they will also participate in ‘Promised Land Sailing’, ‘Trampoline out Sin’, ‘Wrestling with the Spirit’ and the ‘Roller Derby Meet and Greet’ events the same day. 

Day three of the Olympics will be no ‘day of rest’ for the Frodshams as they move to the ‘Tract and Field (white and ready to harvest)‘ events to be held in the country’s largest stadium, Stade de France. They will start the day with three events, the ‘Scripture Marathon’ and the lesser-known Trial-athalon and Pentateuch-athalon events, new to the Olympics this year. 

Due to intense criticism for specializing only in LDS centered events, the Frodshams will participate in several mainstream tournaments as well. Catherine Frodsham is a heavy favorite for the Curling event, spending hours each day in an intense training regimen. Competition is tight for ‘Synchronized Snoring’, but Team Captain Catherine, with years of training and outstanding performance in this event, should lead her team to the gold in this culminating rivalry. 

It was a great disappointment to learn the Frodshams were disqualified from the ‘Uneven Bars’ due to their height difference, a ruling bewildering to event organizers and experts alike.

News of this disqualification was devastating to Sister Frodsham, and she is determined to dominate the newest Olympic competition, ‘Amazon Shopping’ where she has vowed to ‘Fill the Immensity of Space’. 

We thank Ms. Damp for her hours of interviews and observation of this enigmatic couple, bringing to light their fortitude, rising victorious in all trials and competitions they encounter while they serve the Lord in Lyon, France.